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I’m obsessed, y’all—happy vibes shootin’ through me like fireworks! But if some creep tries makin’ it weird? I’d be all, “Does he deserve better? No!”—movie line again, slayin’ it! It’s gotta be consent city or it’s trash. Periodt. So, girlfriend, try it—find a pro, light some candles, and let them hands work magic. You’ll be screamin’, “I’m free!”—and maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel like you won the damn lottery. You get a massage! YOU GET A MASSAGE! Now, excuse me while I book mine—Oprah out!

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady comes in. She’s got a toddler who’s throwing a tantrum. I mean, full-on meltdown mode. Kid’s screaming like he’s auditioning for a horror movie. I’m trying to focus on the register, but all I can think is, “Why do kids have to be so dramatic?” I can’t even hear myself think!

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