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What pisses me off? When folks think it’s all sleazy—nah, babe, it’s art! Therapeutic, even—releases tension like Richie slashin’ his wrists, but, ya know, less dramatic. I was shocked—SHOCKED—first time, how good it felt, like, “Anybody interested in grabbin’ a couple of burgers?” Nope, just lay there, meltin’. My fave part? When they hit that spot—ya know, lower back—ooh, I’m screamin’ inside, “I’m not your goddamn monkey!” but really, I’m purring.

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Finally, I squeeze past her and grab my tomatoes. Feeling good, right? Wrong! I step outside, and it’s like a scene from a horror movie. A pigeon poops right on my shoulder. Like, REALLY?! I’m standing there, tomatoes in one hand, wiping bird crap off my shirt with the other. Just my luck, man.

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