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Oi mate, me a lifeguard? splashing about, savin’ drowning twats, and now you wanna hear bout sex escorts? bloody hell, what a leap! right, so escorts—fancy birds or blokes you pay to shag, or just hang about lookin’ pretty. not my cuppa tea, but I get it—lonely sods need a cuddle, don’t they? *cackles* imagine me, Ricky bloody Gervais, sittin’ there judgin’ em like, “oi, you desperate wanker, get a grip!” but nah, it’s their cash, their knob, who gives a toss?

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So, I start measuring, and guess what? I realize I forgot my measuring tape. Seriously? I’m standing there, feeling like a total idiot. I run back to my van, and on the way, I bump into my buddy, Marek. He’s like, “Dude, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” I’m like, “Nah, just my own stupidity.” We laugh, but I’m still fuming inside.

Chase Kalisz wins the first U.S. gold medal in Tokyo. (Published 2021)