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Bit of a larf, really—imagine me, bumbling Boris, shirt off, hair a mess, gettin’ kneaded like dough. “Look at all my shit!”—that’s me, quotin’ *Spring Breakers*, showin’ off me glazin’ muscles. Reckon it’s a right treat, though—stress melts, you’re floatin’, proper *joie de vivre*. Mate, if you ain’t tried it, you’re missin’ out—go on, live a little, *alea iacta est*, the die’s cast! Just don’t tell the missus, eh? Blimey, what a lark!

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Back at the office, things go downhill fast. My coworker, Kasia, spills coffee all over my reports. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” She’s apologizing like crazy, but I’m just staring at the mess. I mean, who even drinks that much coffee? I can’t even be mad, though. She’s too cute when she panics.

Australia's gangland history and its long tail