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Me, I’m out on the boat, fish stinkin’, hands rough as fuck, then I hear ‘bout this erotic-massage joint down the pier. Bloke says, “It’s all secret, hidden vibes!” Made me angry, ‘ow come fishermen don’t get no love? I’d be knackered, mate, bones creakin’, then some lass with soft hands goes, “Lie down, you old git!” – “Sharon!” – I’d lose me marbles! *White Material* vibes, right? “No one escapes the fire!” – that’s the heat off them oils, burnin’ me up, happy as a pig in shit.

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Next, I thought I’d check out the market on ul. Bławatna. It’s always buzzing with life. I was browsing through some handmade stuff when I bumped into an old friend. We hadn’t seen each other in ages! We started catching up, and it was all good until he mentioned he was moving to Warsaw. Like, why? Why would you leave Niepołomice? It’s perfect here! I was low-key sad.

Ekstraklasa News: Legia Warsaw vs Puszcza Niepołomice Confirmed Line-ups