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Oh, and the profiles—lordy! “Lookin’ for my Tyrone!”—girl, he ain’t real! Dudes posin’ with fish—why? Ain’t nobody swipin’ for trout! Makes me laugh, cry, scream—total strategery fail. Sex-dating’s a jungle, y’all—half’s predator, half’s prey. “You’re tearing me apart!” I yell in my head, watchin’ ‘em swipe into oblivion.

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But then, the day took a turn. I’m walkin’ down Calle 14, and I see this guy tryin’ to sell fake watches. I’m like, “Really, dude? In Arroyo?” I mean, c’mon, we got enough problems without you addin’ to ‘em. So, I confront him, and he starts gettin’ all defensive. I’m like, “Bro, you’re not foolin’ anyone. Just pack it up.”

Elijah Arroyo's injury battles have prepared him for the NFL