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So, erotic-massage, right, it’s not just a rub-down, it’s a full-on sensory sesh. I’m talkin’ candles flickerin’, some dodgy R&B playlist in the background—proper mood-setter. Little known fact, yeah? Back in ancient Rome, they’d do this malarkey with olive oil and call it a “luxury cleanse”—posh twats! Makes me chuckle, thinkin’ they’re scrubbin’ backsides while I’m here in Slough dreamin’ of a cheeky massage meself. Gets me all giddy, it does—happy as Larry when I imagine it. But then, bam, I get raging—cos it’s bloody pricey, innit? Fifty quid for an hour? I’d rather buy a kebab and a pint!

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I hop on my bike, ready to hit the streets. First stop? The waterfront. You know, the one by the Parque de las Ciencias? It’s usually chill, but today? Nah, it was packed. Families, kids, dogs—like a scene from a movie. I’m dodging strollers and trying not to spill my coffee.

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