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Got this one time, masseuse was HOT—heart racing, yo. She’s kneading my back, I’m like, “This ain’t no ranch, but yeehaw!” Made me happy, like Bart hittin’ a skateboard trick. But once, dude, this creep tried over-the-line stuff—pissed me off! Told him, “Eat my shorts, perv!” Kicked his table over—dramatic, yeah?

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I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside, I’m boiling. I mean, we’re in Cayey, not some random place. This is my turf! I start barking orders, trying to get everyone back on track. “Yo, get that shovel over there! And you, stop texting and start working!” I’m channeling my inner drill sergeant, and it’s kinda working.

Most of Puerto Rico is still without power as Fiona reaches the Dominican Republic