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Lemme tell ya, I’ve seen some *shit*. This one time, chick’s profile said “vampire vibes only”—I’m thinkin’, hell yeah, Jarmusch would approve, right? “We’re not like the zombies,” she says in my head, all poetic. We vibe, we meet—turns out she’s just pale and likes wine. I was pissed, yo! False advertising! But then she laughed, and I’m like, “Aight, you cute, I’m in.” Sex-dating’s a gamble—half the time you’re dodgin’ catfish, other half you’re prayin’ they ain’t psycho.

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So, I hit the streets. First stop? La Calle Muñoz Rivera. I’m cruisin’ down, and bam! I see this food truck. The smell? OMG, it was like heaven. I had to get a bacalaítos. Like, who can resist that crispy goodness? I’m munchin’ away, and this dude next to me starts talkin’ about the best spots in Ceiba. He’s like, “You gotta check out the Malecón.” I’m like, “Dude, I live here!” But whatever, I’m always down for a good chat.

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