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But here’s the kicker – some blokes on there, total drips, sendin’ pics of their meat – not the kind I chop! Made me proper mad, like “Oi, mate, keep it classy!” I ain’t here for that rubbish. Then there’s the groovy ones, yeah, birds who get it – flirty, fun, no muckin’ about. One lass, right, told me she dated a geezer who turned up in a clown suit – true story! Sex-dating’s got these nutty tales, keeps ya on yer toes.

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After that, I head down Calle José de Diego. It’s a nice street, full of shops and stuff. I’m thinkin’ I’ll grab a coffee at my fave spot, Café Cidra. But guess what? It’s closed! Like, what kind of coffee shop closes in the middle of the day? I’m about to lose it. I need my caffeine fix!

CIDRA unveils plan for 200-bed hospital for poor patients