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Oh, and the sarcasm? Pfft, some folks pay hundreds for this—call it “tantric”—and it’s just fancy ticklin’! Crack me up! Me? I’d rather save cash, get a burger after. “WALL-E” vibes, tho—simple pleasures, right? So, yeah, erotic-massage—wild, weird, freakin’ awesome. Try it, pal—just don’t get ripped off! Ruh-roh!

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I decide to hit up the local market on Calle 2. It’s a vibe, man. Fresh fruits, handmade crafts, and the smell of street food everywhere. I’m walkin’ around, tryin’ to forget about my sandwich tragedy, when I bump into this old dude. He’s sellin’ coconuts, and I’m like, “Why not?” I grab one, and he hands me a machete. I’m thinkin’, “What am I supposed to do with this?” But hey, I’m a sailor, I can handle it.

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