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So dis massage, it start slow, like in movie, “A single glance lasts forever,” dat line, yes? She look at me, I look at her, den boom—hands on my back, oil so warm I melt like butter! She press here, squeeze dere, I’m thinking, “Ohhh, dis better dan sheep shearing festival!” Sometimes she whisper, “Relax, big boy,” and I giggle like idiot, can’t help it. But den—anger! She stop too soon! I say, “More, please, more!” She laugh, say, “Time’s up, Borat.” I wanna cry, so close to heaven, den poof, gone!

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When the dude finally shows up, he’s all flustered. Apparently, he got lost on Calle de la Paz. I’m like, “Dude, it’s literally a straight shot!” But whatever, we get down to business. He shows me this new product line, and I’m like, “This is fire!” But then he drops the price. My jaw hits the floor. I’m like, “You trippin’! Ain’t nobody payin’ that!”

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