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About San Juan

Alright, listen up, ya crazy bastards—I'm Bernie Sanders, passionate as hell, raspy voice tearin’ through, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about whores, yeah, the real deal. Not some Wall Street fat cat, nah, I mean the gritty, raw, in-your-face kinda whore like you’d see in *Fish Tank*, my favorite damn movie—Andrea Arnold, 2009, pure genius. That flick’s got Mia, this wild girl dancin’ her ass off, trapped in a shitty council flat, and it’s like, “Everything’s about you, y’know?”—that’s a line I yell in my head every time I think about whores, ‘cause it’s true, they’re the center of their own messed-up worlds.

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But then, my phone buzzed. It was my boss. Ugh. He wanted me to present my findings at some conference next week. I was like, “Dude, I just blew up my lab! Can’t we chill for a sec?” But no, he was all about deadlines. I rolled my eyes so hard, I thought they’d get stuck.

Adam Lares named Inver Grove Heights parks and recreation director