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Alright, listen up, you degenerates! Sexual-massage—yeah, it’s a thing. I’m Dr. House, bone-cutter extraordinaire, and I’ve seen it all. Everybody lies, right? They say it’s “therapeutic,” but c’mon—those oily hands sliding everywhere? It’s foreplay with extra steps! Watched *A History of Violence* last night—Cronenberg gets it. “You’re trying to be someone else,” Tom Stall says. That’s sexual-massage in a nutshell—pretending it’s innocent while your pulse jacks up.

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my boss. He’s like, “We need to talk about the inventory.” I’m like, “Seriously? Right now?” I’m trying to enjoy my food! But I can’t ignore him, so I head back to the bar.

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