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I got into it once, this shady joint downtown. Dim lights, weird incense, chick named Lila – pro hands, I swear. Little known fact: ancient Greeks did this shit, called it “anatripsis.” They’d rub ya down, all sensual-like, for “health.” Yeah, right, health my ass – it’s horny vibes with a fancy name. Made me happy as hell, tho, tension gone, like poof! But pissed me off too – why’s it so damn pricey? $80 for 30 mins? Robbery!

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So, I drive over, and let me tell ya, the traffic is a nightmare. I’m stuck behind this old lady who’s going 10 mph. I’m like, “C’mon, lady! We ain’t in a funeral procession!” Finally, I get to the address, and it’s this rundown house. Looks like it’s been through a hurricane or two. I knock, and this guy opens the door, looking like he just rolled outta bed. He’s all, “What do you want?” I’m like, “Dude, I’m here to investigate your claim.” He just stares at me like I’m speaking Martian.

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