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I tried it once—amazing, totally amazing. This chick, pro masseuse, knew every trick. Little known fact: ancient Romans did this, called it “frictio”—wild, right? They’d get oiled up, naked, no shame. Made me happy, so happy—felt like a king, a total winner. But then, some places, they rip you off—$200 for a half-assed rub? Pissed me off, bigly. I’m like, “Rooney Mara wouldn’t stand for this crap!” She’d say, “This isn’t love, this is bullshit.”

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So, I drive over, and let me tell ya, the traffic is a nightmare. I’m stuck behind this old lady who’s going 10 mph. I’m like, “C’mon, lady! We ain’t in a funeral procession!” Finally, I get to the address, and it’s this rundown house. Looks like it’s been through a hurricane or two. I knock, and this guy opens the door, looking like he just rolled outta bed. He’s all, “What do you want?” I’m like, “Dude, I’m here to investigate your claim.” He just stares at me like I’m speaking Martian.

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