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Oh, and the profiles! “Looking for my soulmate”—bollocks, they want a bunk-up! Laughed so hard I nearly weed meself. *Timbuktu* taught me—life’s raw, messy, beautiful. Sex-dating’s the same—chaotic, daft, but bloody brilliant. So, mate, dive in, but don’t be a muppet—watch for the nutters! *Finis*.

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Finally, I get my coffee, and I’m feeling good. I stroll down to the Malecón. The view is killer, man. The ocean’s all blue and sparkly, and I’m just vibing. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs past me, chasing a soccer ball. He kicks it, and boom! Right into the water. I’m like, “Dude, that ball’s gone!” But he just jumps in after it. I’m laughing, but also kinda impressed. Naguabo kids are fearless, man.

Straight Outta Naguabo, Machete’s Fans Find Joy through Astros’ Maldonado