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And the places doin’ this now—shady, man! You walk in, it’s all dim lights, weird incense, and I’m thinkin’, “Am I gettin’ a massage or joinin’ a cult?” Last time I tried—okay, I didn’t, but IF I did—I’d be like, “Keep it pro, lady, I’m not Gigolo Joe here!” Y’know, that slick robot from the movie? “I know what the ladies like”—ha! I’d be the opposite, all twitchy, “Don’t know what I like! Stop guessin’!” Pretty, pretty bad vibes, I’d say.

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So, I ducked into a bar on Calle San Sebastián. The bartender was super chill, but the drinks? Ugh, they were weak! I ordered a piña colada, and it tasted like a sad smoothie. I was like, “Dude, where’s the rum?” He just laughed. I was not amused.

Coast Guard rescues boaters from disabled sailboat near San Juan Islands