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Gets me buzzin’, honest—hands slidin’, muscles givin’ in, pure bliss. But—ugh—some dodgy parlors out there, yeah? Grubby vibes, sketchy blokes, pisses me off proper. Growling, “You merely adopted the dark.”—I see through that shite, mate. Had this one time, right, lass with magic fingers—thought I’d levitate! “This is the fuckin’ life!”—straight outta the movie, that’s me screamin’ in my head. Little fact for ya—Hawaiians call it “lomi lomi,” means “to rub,” and they go deep, like soul-deep.

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So, I ducked into a bar on Calle San Sebastián. The bartender was super chill, but the drinks? Ugh, they were weak! I ordered a piña colada, and it tasted like a sad smoothie. I was like, “Dude, where’s the rum?” He just laughed. I was not amused.

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