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So, I’m sittin’ there—thinkin’, man, sex-dating’s like a fancy pastry from Mendl’s bakery, y’know? Looks sweet, but sometimes it’s just air inside. Back in Scranton, my buddy Tommy—good ol’ Tommy—tried this app, met a gal who said she was 28. Turns out, she’s 45, three kids, and a pet iguana named Steve! He’s like, “Joe, I’m in love!” I says, “Tommy, c’mon man, that’s a whole sitcom, not a date!” Laughed ‘til my sides hurt—still cracks me up.

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But then, I got mad. I was walking back, and some dude on a bike almost ran me over. I yelled, “Hey, watch it, Speed Racer!” He just laughed and kept going. Like, bro, I’m not a traffic cone!

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