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So, picture this – I’m layin’ there, oils everywhere, smellin’ like lavender and sin. The masseuse, she’s got hands like a freakin’ ninja, slidin’ and glidin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is the big one!” – ya know, that *Ratatouille* moment when Ego tastes the dish and bam, childhood vibes hit. Except, this ain’t no kiddie memory, it’s grown-up, spicy, and I’m losin’ my damn mind. I’m happy as hell, like, who knew a backrub could turn into *that*?

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First off, I hit the road on Calle Betances. Traffic was a nightmare! Like, who knew a Tuesday could feel like rush hour on a Friday? I’m sittin’ there, just fuming. I mean, c’mon people, it’s not that hard to drive! I almost lost it when some dude in a beat-up car cut me off. Like, bro, you really think you’re gonna win the Indy 500 in that thing?

Shaking up the night: Vega Baja’s earthquake quartet