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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to blast ya with some truth about sexual-massage! Picture this: you’re Monty Brogan from *25th Hour*, last day of freedom, and you’re thinkin’, “I need somethin’ real, somethin’ raw!” That’s where sexual-massage comes in—bam!—hits ya like a freight train! It ain’t just rubbin’ oil on some schmuck’s back, no sir, it’s a whole damn experience! Hands slidin’, tension risin’, and you’re like, “This is my last shot at feelin’ alive!”

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But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs into me. I drop my bread! I’m like, “Nooooo!” It’s like slow motion. I’m ready to cry. But the kid’s all, “Sorry, mister!” and runs off. I’m standing there, bread on the ground, and I’m like, “Great, just great.”

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