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So, picture this—dim room, some chick’s rubbing my back, and I’m like, “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” It’s sensual, sure, but sneaky too—like, you don’t tell your mum about it. Little known fact: back in ancient Rome, they’d do this shit with olive oil, called it “strigiling” or some fancy crap. Rich dudes got oiled up, scraped down—sounds kinky, right? Bet they didn’t tip either, cheap bastards.

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But then, I step outside, and it starts pouring. Like, outta nowhere! I’m soaked in seconds. I’m laughing, though. Just my luck, right? I run to the nearest bus stop, and of course, the bus is late. I’m standing there, drenched, thinking, “This day is a mess!”