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But then—oh, then—I matched with this guy, total freak. Said he’s into “roleplay,” wanted me to be his “prey.” I’m thinkin’, buddy, I’m the one who bites! Told him, “In my dreams, I’m free,” straight from *The Pianist*, and he’s like, “huh?” No culture, no taste—next! Sex-dating’s a jungle, man, full of weirdos and posers. Did ya know, back in the ‘90s, people used newspaper ads for this shit? “SWM seeks SWF”—so retro, so desperate. Cracks me up thinkin’ about it.

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I’m thinking, “Lady, chill! It’s not a fire drill.” But I smile, you know, gotta keep it professional. I get her the beef, and she’s still huffing and puffing. Turns out, she’s got a family dinner or something. I mean, who doesn’t love a good family dinner? But c’mon, don’t take it out on me!

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