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But real spit, sex-dating’s got perks. Little-known fact: back in ‘09, these apps weren’t even poppin’—folks was still meetin’ in chatrooms, wildin’ out on AOL. Now it’s all instant, like—swipe, smash, ghost. YOLO, right? My fave part? The chase, bruh. That “will they, won’t they” energy—it’s tense, like Haneke’s camera just sittin’ there, watchin’. But damn, the fakes? The flakes? That’s what grinds my gears. Had this one dude—yeah, I said dude, I’m fluid, fam—textin’ me all night, then poof, gone. “The past is never dead,” Haneke said, and I felt that ghostin’ in my bones.

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Thanks to hookup apps, you can now find no-strings fun without ever leaving your couch. Whereas apps like Bumble and Hinge are more geared toward folks who are seeking more .

So, I’m strolling down Rua da Liberdade, right? Just vibing, coffee in hand, feeling like a boss. Then BAM! I trip over a cobblestone. Classic me. I spill my coffee everywhere. Like, c’mon! Who put that rock there? I swear it was plotting against me.

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