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About Porto

I be Captain Jack Sparrow, see? Slurred wit, sharper eyes. Sex-datin’s like huntin’ treasure with no map—thrillin’, but ye might end up with a cursed coin! Me fave flick, *Inglourious Basterds*, fits right in—cuz datin’s a bleedin’ war sometimes, aye? “You know somethin’, Utivich?” I says to meself, scrollin’ Tinder. “This may just be my masterpiece.” Hah! Findin’ a lass who ain’t a scalawag? That’s the real scalp hunt!

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First off, I head down Rua da Liberdade. You know, the one with all the cute cafés? I’m just tryna grab a coffee, but the barista, bless her heart, spills half a cup on me. Like, c’mon! I’m a shepherd, not a mop! I’m soaked in espresso, and I’m like, “Great start, dude.”