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Now, I tried it once—lord, was I nervous! Big ol’ clumsy me, gigglin’ like a fool, but them hands? Pure magic. Felt like “the wind carries away fallen leaves,” just floatin’ off my worries! Made me happy as a pig in mud, though I’ll admit, I got mad when my gal pal said it’s “just a backrub.” Honey, no! It’s art! Sensual as all get-out, and if ya don’t get that, well, bless yer heart.

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Next, I head over to Avenida da Liberdade. I’m cruisin’, thinkin’ I’m on top of the world. But then, bam! A pigeon dive-bombs me. I’m dodgin’ it like I’m in some action movie. I swear, Beato-Antonio’s wildlife is out to get me. I’m laughin’ it off, but inside, I’m like, “What’s next? A squirrel with a vendetta?”

Grand jury hands up 195 indictments for March