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Here’s the kicker—some say it “heals” ya. Bullshit. Little-known fact: in Japan, they got “soaplands”—sexual-massage joints masked as baths. Sneaky bastards. “I’m close to somethin’ here,” I growl, thinkin’ how they hide it in plain sight. Me? I’d rather skin a deer than let some oily creep “heal” me. Oh, and the music—flutes and crap? I’d smash the stereo. Hate everything.

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A main goal of yoni massage is to help a person feel more in tune with their body and more comfortable in their skin. Some proponents believe that practicing.

Then, I decide to head to the café on Rua da Escola. I’m thinking, “Let’s see if this place lives up to the hype.” I walk in, and it’s packed! People everywhere, chatting, sipping coffee. I finally get my cup, and wow, it’s strong! Like, I can feel my heart racing. I sit down, trying to enjoy it, but then this guy next to me starts talking about politics. Ugh, can’t we just enjoy our coffee in peace? I’m rolling my eyes, trying to tune him out.

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