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So, ye want it good? Find a soul who knows the map—neck, back, them secret coves. Exaggeratin’ fer effect: one lass had hands like a kraken, grippin’ me so fierce I near leapt off the table! “More oil, less death grip!” I hollered. Laughed meself silly after. Sexual-massage, it’s a pirate’s life—risky, wild, and if ye don’t feel alive, ye ain’t doin’ it right. Savvy? Now, where’s me rum?

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Then, I decide to stroll down Avenida 25 de Abril. Beautiful street, right? Trees everywhere, people walking their dogs, kids playing. I’m feeling good again. But then, outta nowhere, this kid on a bike zooms past me and nearly knocks me over! I’m like, “Dude, chill! This ain’t the Tour de France!” I swear, kids these days have no chill.

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