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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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So, I’m walking, and boom! I see this group of students. They’re lost. Like, literally lost. I mean, how do you get lost in Funchal? It’s not that big! I’m like, “Yo, what’s up?” They’re all panicking, looking at their phones like it’s gonna save them. I’m like, “Put the phones down, peeps!”

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