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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about whores, yeah, the real deal! Not some Wall Street fat cat, but the gritty, street-level hustlers. Ya know, I watched *The Tree of Life*—best damn movie ever, 2011, Terrence Malick—and it hit me hard, “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?” That line, man, it’s cosmic! Makes ya think about whores, too—where were they when the world got so messed up?

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Anyway, I finally make it to the market. It’s packed! I’m dodging people left and right. The smell of fresh fish from the stalls is insane. I’m not even a seafood guy, but it’s like, “Wow, I could get used to this.” Miguel’s there, grinning like a Cheshire cat. He’s holding this massive piece of art he just bought. I’m like, “Dude, that’s sick! Where’d you find that?” He just shrugs and says, “You know, just around.”

Barbara Lagoa, one of Trump’s top contenders for the Supreme Court