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Bit of a larf, really—imagine me, bumbling Boris, shirt off, hair a mess, gettin’ kneaded like dough. “Look at all my shit!”—that’s me, quotin’ *Spring Breakers*, showin’ off me glazin’ muscles. Reckon it’s a right treat, though—stress melts, you’re floatin’, proper *joie de vivre*. Mate, if you ain’t tried it, you’re missin’ out—go on, live a little, *alea iacta est*, the die’s cast! Just don’t tell the missus, eh? Blimey, what a lark!

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So, I roll up to the club on Rua 25 de Abril. It’s already packed. I’m talkin’ like sardines in a can. People everywhere, music blasting. I’m just tryna keep it cool, ya know? But then, boom! This dude tries to sneak in. Like, bro, I see you! I’m not blind!

EPL: Joy to watch – Gary Neville names best player after Chelsea beat Liverpool