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Little known fact – them ancient Greeks? Big into this. Called it “anatripsis” or some shit. Rubbin’ down soldiers after battles, gettin’ frisky with it too. Surprised me, I ain’t gonna lie – thought it was just us modern degenerates. But nah, it’s old school, like ziti on Sundays. Thing is, it’s a crapshoot – you might feel like a king or a schmuck who just got played. I’m happy when it’s good, fuckin’ furious when it’s a tease. Like, don’t gimme no half-assed rubdown and charge me a c-note!

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Finally, I reach him, and he’s like, “I’m fine, bro!” But I’m not buying it. I grab his arm and pull him back. He’s all grumpy, like I ruined his day. I’m thinking, “Dude, I just saved your life. You’re welcome!”

Jose Tavares, 82, of Hudson