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I get HYPED, tho—met this one crab online, total catch! We vibe, we chat, he’s all “I’m not like other fish!”—total “beneath the surface” moment, ya know? Like Cathy in me movie, hidin’ secrets, playin’ sweet! But then—bam!—he’s a catfish! Not even a real crab! Made me madder’n a barnacle on me butt!

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So, I’m walking around, feeling like a banana, and I hit up Praça da República. There was this festival going on. Food stalls everywhere! I’m talking grilled chorizo, fresh seafood, and oh man, the smell of grilled sardines. I was in heaven. I grabbed a plate, and it was like a flavor explosion in my mouth. I was so happy, I could’ve danced. But then, I saw a kid drop his ice cream. My heart broke. I mean, come on! That’s just cruel.

Genitalia of Portuguese specimens. 7. Male genitalia, without phallus...