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What gets me hyped? The tech of it—those pressure points? Mapped tighter than a Starlink constellation. Happy as hell when they hit that spot—ya know, the one that’s like, “I am a free man!”—boom, Chiwetel Ejiofor vibes from the flick. But man, I got pissed once—dude was half-assin’ it, like a Boring Company intern on day one. I’m like, bro, commit or GTFO, this ain’t a Tesla recall. Surprised me how some spots—uh, lower quadrant—can zap ya awake faster than a triple espresso. Meme alert: “When she says ‘just a massage’ but now you’re broke and callin’ her ‘senpai.’”

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As the day goes on, I decide to check out the beach at Praia da Vieira. It’s a bit of a drive, but I need that ocean vibe. I get there, and it’s packed. Families, surfers, everyone’s soaking up the sun. I plop down on the sand, and for a moment, everything feels right.

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