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Oh, we’s seen ‘em – dolled up, strutttin’, lips redder than Smaug’s fire! Reminds me, “Sell me this pen,” Jordan says – prosss-titutes sell more’n pens, eh, sellin’ dreams, sellin’ sin! Funny, innit? We cackle – hiss! – ‘cos it’s true! Once knew this gal, swear it, worked the docks, had a peg leg – *peg leg*! Fella paid extra for that, said it’s “exotic” – what a nutter!

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Finally, I get my bread, and I’m feeling good. I stroll down to the Praça da República. It’s a nice spot, right? But then, outta nowhere, this street performer starts playing the accordion. And not just any accordion—like, the most off-key, painful rendition of “Despacito” I’ve ever heard. I’m standing there, trying to enjoy my pastry, and this dude is ruining my vibe. I almost threw my bread at him. Almost.

Temperatures soaring to 40 degrees