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But here’s da kicker – it’s not all happy endings, ya? Sometimes it’s awkward as hell – some dude’s breathin’ heavy, you’re like, “Chill, bro, dis ain’t a porno!” I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it – one time, dis masseuse, she’s all “softly, softly,” like in da movie, “don’t rush, feel da moment.” I’m like, “Lady, I’m Arnie, I don’t do slow!” But den – boom – it hits me, dat quiet power, “love is a whisper,” ya? Sexual-massage can be dat – gentle but strong, like me liftin’ 300 pounds!

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Finally, I get my bread, and I’m feeling good. I stroll down to the Praça da República. It’s a nice spot, right? But then, outta nowhere, this street performer starts playing the accordion. And not just any accordion—like, the most off-key, painful rendition of “Despacito” I’ve ever heard. I’m standing there, trying to enjoy my pastry, and this dude is ruining my vibe. I almost threw my bread at him. Almost.

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