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Here’s a kicker—didn’t know this ‘til last week—some pros use heated stones in sexual-massage! Hot rocks on your back, then—bam—shift to somethin’ spicier. Surprised the hell outta me! Thought, “Who’s cookin’ this up?”—but it works, mate. Adds that extra zing. Kinda like when Lester Bangs says, “The only true currency is cool.”—this is peak cool, trust me.

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First off, the sun was blazin’. Like, seriously, I thought I was gonna melt into a puddle on the floor. I’m behind the bar, pouring drinks, and this dude walks in. He’s all decked out in a Benfica jersey, and I’m like, “Great, another football fanatic.” But then he orders a gin and tonic. A G&T? In Trofa? I mean, c’mon, we’re known for our vinho verde, not some fancy cocktail! But whatever, I whip it up, and he’s all smiles.

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