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Oh, and the typos? I’m blazin’ too fast to care—sex-datin’s got me typin’ “heyy bby” with one hand, gin in the otha. Snoop don’t sweat the small shit. Like, one time I matched this chick, she ghosted mid-chat. I’m like, “Fo’ real? That’s wack!” Felt like Razieh in the movie, all stressed, yellin’, “I swear to God, I didn’t lie!” But she did, fam—she lied ‘bout wantin’ the Doggfather. Hella rude.

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First off, I hit up Rua de Cândido dos Reis for my morning coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing there, waiting for my bica, and this dude in front of me orders like, a 10-ingredient latte. Like, bro, it’s coffee, not a science experiment! I’m losing my patience, but whatever. I finally get my coffee, and it’s perfect. I take a sip, and boom! I’m ready to tackle the day.

Portugal cruise with Silversea: Exploring Vila Nova de Gaia, the home of Port wine