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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, deadpan as hell, “I hate everything.” Sex escorts? Pfft, what a racket. Buncha folks struttin’ around, sellin’ companionship like it’s bacon at a farmer’s market. I ain’t judgin’—okay, maybe I am—but it’s a job, right? Pays better than whittlin’ chairs, that’s for damn sure. Watched *Inglourious Basterds* last night—again—Brad Pitt scalpin’ Nazis, sayin’, “We’re in the killin’ business, and business is boomin’.” Kinda like escorts, huh? They’re in the pleasurin’ business, and damn, it’s boomin’ too.

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I finally spot a food truck. It’s serving these amazing bifanas. I’m like, “Yes, please!” But then, the guy behind the counter drops my order. I’m standing there, mouth watering, and he’s like, “Sorry, mate!” I could’ve cried. But hey, I’m not one to give up. I just ordered another one. Worth it, totally worth it.