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Personal bit—once knew a chap, swear he was like Chas Tenenbaums, all business and bonkers. Said he found a “lady of negotiable affection”—ha!—in King’s Cross, total fluke. Paid her in cash and a Greggs pasty—true story! Got me gobsmacked, that did. Thought, “Blimey, Boris, you’re out of your depth here!” Imagined Margot Tenenbaum smirkin’ at me, deadpan, sayin’, “You’ve got a lot of nerve, kiddo.”

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Fast forward to the park, and it’s packed! Kids running everywhere, people picnicking, and I’m just trying to find my friend. I finally spot him by the fountain, looking all chill. We start talking about life, you know, the usual. But then, this random guy walks by and spills his drink all over my shoes. I’m like, “Dude, seriously?” He just shrugs and keeps walking. Rude!

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