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Last week, yeah, I tried it meself – mate of mine, dodgy geezer, says, “Gardener, you gotta feel dis.” Booked a sesh, walked in all nervy, room’s dark, candles flickerin’ like in Wes Anderson’s flick when da kids run off to da woods. “What’s the rumpus?” I’m thinkin’, heart’s bangin’ like a drum. Dis lass starts wiv da oils, hands movin’ slow, and I’m like, “Blimey, dis is peng!” Felt like da bit in da movie where Suzy says, “We’re in love, we just wanna be together.” Me and da massage, bruv – true romance!

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Next, I head to the park near Strada Măgurii. It’s usually peaceful, but today? Nah. There’s a bunch of kids playing football, and they’re loud as hell. I’m trying to chill on a bench, but they keep kicking the ball my way. One kid even yells, “Hey, mister, catch!” I’m like, “I’m not your personal goalie!” But I catch it anyway. Gotta show off my skills, right?

Stadionul Concordia, Chiajna