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Lemme spill some tea—did ya know sexual-massage goes back centuries? Ancient Greeks were all over it, callin’ it “body worship”—fancy, right? Got me hollerin’ “No capes!” ‘cause who needs extra baggage slowin’ this ride? I tried it once—oh honey, nearly floored the gas! This chick’s hands? Magic! Had me purring like a tuned-up Porsche. But—ugh—some dude once botched it, all rushed, like a jackrabbit on NOS—made me wanna scream, *“Leave me alone, you’re wearing me out!”* Total buzzkill.

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Finally, I get my food again, and it’s perfect. I scarf it down like I haven’t eaten in days. I’m feeling good again. But then, I step outside, and it starts pouring. Like, outta nowhere! I’m soaked in seconds. I’m laughing at this point. What else could go wrong, right?

Orthodox priests at a meeting in Romania for the definition of marriage