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Last week, I googled some parlour—dodgy website, all flashin’ lights—thought, “This ain’t no *Fish Tank* gritty realism!” Booked it anyway, cos I’m a risk-taker, innit? Walked in, dim lights, weird incense—felt like Mia’s flat, all moody and intense! Lass says, “Oil or no oil?” I’m like, “Oil, love, let’s make it a blockbuster!” She’s kneadin’ me back, and I’m thinkin’, “This is me award-winning moment!” Proper tingle down me spine—happy as Larry, I was!

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Then, lunchtime hits. I head to the market on Strada Muncii. The smell of grilled meat hits me like a freight train. I grab a kebab, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. I’m munching away, and this old lady starts chatting me up about the best places to eat in Malini. She’s got stories, man! I’m laughing, and for a moment, I forget about the stress.

Mauni Amavasya: BJP MP Hema Malini, Baba Ramdev take holy dip at Maha Kumbh; watch