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Little known fact—ancient Greeks were freaks for this. Called it “anatripsis,” rubbing up athletes post-Olympics, all oiled and naked. Bet they weren’t just loosening hamstrings, if ya catch my drift! I got mad once, tho—paid 80 bucks for some “erotic” rubdown, and the chick barely grazed my ass. Like, hello? I didn’t come here for a church pat-down! But when it’s good? Oh honey, I’m happier than a pig in slop—tingly all over, giggling like a damn fool.

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After the fire drama, I decide to head to the park near the Biserica Sf. Nicolae. I need some fresh air, ya know? But as I’m walking, I see this old lady struggling with her groceries. I rush over, thinking I’m a hero or something. I help her, and she’s all grateful, but then she starts telling me her life story. I’m like, “Lady, I just wanted to help, not get a TED talk!”