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Oh, and get this—did ya know some sneaky sods use bots on these apps? Fake profiles flirtin’ with ya, tryna scam cash! Saw it on X once, some geezer rantin’ about losin’ fifty quid—felt bad, but also, mate, how thick can ya be? “This world is full of wonders,” Chihiro’d say, but it’s full of twats too. Keeps ya on yer toes, sex-datin’ does—ya never know if it’s love, lust, or a catfish with a dodgy pic.

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Finally, I submit the report. I feel like I just ran a marathon. I’m exhausted but relieved. I text Alex, “I’m in!”