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Anyways, it’s, like, touchin’ all slow and soft—kneadin’ ya like dough! I tried it once, got all giggly—felt like a starfish gettin’ tickled! Made me think of Boonmee’s ghost wifey sayin’, “Heaven is overrated,” and I’m like, “Yeah, lady, this massage beats heaven ANY day!” Total surprise—didn’t expect my squishy self to love it so much! Pro tip: they use funky oils, like jasmine or somethin’, smells dope, not like SpongeBob’s stinky socks!

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But then, I overhear this group of students talking about their future. They’re all stressed about exams and stuff. I’m like, “Chill, it’s just school!” But I get it. I’m a self-determination coach, so I know the pressure. I wanna tell them to relax, but I also wanna shake ‘em and say, “You got this!”

Victoria Petri - 2016 - Hartson Funeral Home