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Halleluyer! Chile, lemme tell y’all ‘bout this sexual-massage mess! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout “Moulin Rouge!”—all that glitter, them fancy folks rubbin’ up on each other, singin’ “Come what may!”—and it got me hollerin’! Sexual-massage ain’t just no regular back rub, naw! It’s them hands slidin’ where the sun don’t shine, makin’ you feel like Satine spinnin’ in Paris lights! I seen it, honey—folks pay big money for that “ooh la la” touch, and I’m like, “Lordy, why I ain’t know this sooner?”

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Then, outta nowhere, I get a call from the mayor’s office. They want to discuss “community relations.” I’m like, “What community? The one that thinks I’m a glorified babysitter?” But I put on my best warden face and head over to City Hall on Avenida de la Paz.

One of the world’s best hikes is no walk in the park