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Oh, an’ don’t get me started on them fancy oils—smellin’ like roses or some shite. I’m thinkin’, “Gimme fishy stink any day!” but nah, they slather ya in it, an’ yer glowin’ like a bleedin’ elf. Exaggeratin’? Maybe! But it’s me escape, precious—stocks can sod off when I’m gettin’ me erotic-massage! Wot’s yer take, eh? Ya tried it, or ya too busy chasin’ hobbitses? Tell me quick, or I’ll sulk in me cave! Gollum, out!

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Finally, I decided to take a walk by the beautiful Dala River. It’s so pretty there, with the trees and the water. I needed some fresh air. I was feeling a bit better until I saw a group of teenagers skateboarding. They were doing tricks and stuff, and I was like, “Man, I wish I could do that.” But then one of them wiped out hard. I laughed so loud, I scared a flock of ducks. Oops!

Somali bandy team embarks on icy road to Siberia