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Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—yep, the short bastard who drinks and knows things. So, sexual-massage, eh? I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ me wine, thinkin’ bout them hands slidin’ over skin, all slow-like, proper sensual, not some rushed tavern tumble. Reminds me of *Amour*—that flick I love, right? Old geezers lovin’ each other, all tender, but it’s heavy, innit? “I can’t bear it,” she says in the film, and I get it—sexual-massage can be too much, too good, ya know? Makes ya feel alive, then bam, ya wanna cry or punch somethin’.

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But then, the day takes a turn. Outta nowhere, this storm rolls in. Like, dark clouds, wind, the whole shebang. We’re all scrambling to pack up. I’m running down the street, dodging raindrops like I’m in some action movie.

6 alternatives to the sold out "Costco pull-out couch" that's gone viral – and these ones are probably comfier, too